Troubled by toothache? Dogged by dipsomania? Perhaps you have been poisoned or accidentally got a bottle stuck up your bottom? This compendium of tried and tested (and terrifying) historical remedies is your go-to guide for how not to seek medical relief. From smearing mouse-dung on your teeth to drinking sulphuric acid, and from mechanical chin-reducing contraptions to 'super-super-excellent' quack medicines, here are to be found the most bizarre and alarming remedies of the last two thousand years. Spanning Ancient Greece and twentieth century Britain and America, What the Apothecary Ordered positively haemorrhages with the dangerous ministrations of 'healers' of yore. Everyday illnesses, beauty, surgery, sexual performance and madness – whatever the nature of the malady, here the reader will find a cautionary tale about entrusting oneself to the experts.