Once in a while a book comes along that changes your life. This is not that book.

I made the mistake of reading this so called childrens picture book largely because of the subject matter me. There I was in my local ABC Shop when I saw my name and picture emblazoned on the cover of this hardcover title. Of course I pounced on it like a vulture on an aadvaark. Did I mention I dont like vultures? Or aadvarks? Or even pouncing? Anyway, let me stress this book is completely UNAUTHORIZED by me. The authors have taken one or two factual statements and concocted a fanciful tale, in rhyme I might add, about yours truly. The authors claim that I dislike all kinds of things including (but not limited to): blue whales, baths, showers, itchy scabs, pickles, the smell of kangaroos, cheese, vampire bats, barn owls, and even the well-known and quite piratical expression ahh me hearties!! This is all quite true of course, but I would never use rhyme. Never ever. Whoops. That wasnt meant to rhyme. My beef isnt only with these semi-literate word monkeys Kate & Jol Temple. Ive got a MAJOR problem with that texta-wielding goon Jon Foye. Whats with those illustrations? A five year old could draw better than him. I should know Im five and a half now and nobody draws noses like me! I start with a little line down the middle and two dots either side for nostrils. Im getting pretty good let me tell you. In the pages of this book my nose is not only bright red, it also sits above my eyes. Above my eyes! Go take a good hard look in the mirror Jon Foye. Next time you draw a nose put it where it goes. Below the eyes, not above. And maybe try my technique of a little line down the middle with two dots either side for nostrils. Just sayin. All in all not good. Reluctantly I give it 5 stars.