Content warnings include murder, missing persons, violence, addiction, sexual assault, grief, child abuse, and abandonment.

“Sometimes I don’t know what I miss more: everything I’ve lost or everything I never had.”

I don’t usually say this but for this book I will. Please don’t read too many reviews prior to reading this book, but please, read this book! I finished reading only a few minutes ago and the tears that haven’t been soaked up by several tissues are currently drying on my face, which I expect looks like a mess!

“It’s not about finding peace. There will never be peace.”

This was my first, but certainly not my last Courtney Summers book and I didn’t know what to expect other than knowing there was a mystery. I know Sadie, the book and the character, will haunt me. Before I’d finished the first 50 pages I was already searching my library catalogue for more of Courtney’s books. This surprised me because I often struggle with books that switch between formats; in this case some chapters are told from Sadie’s perspective in first person and others are transcripts of podcasts. In this book I loved the different voices that contributed to the story and never felt the jarring that can happen during transitions from one to the other.

“Ever since Mattie died, it’s been like this, this surfacing of ugly things, forcing me to witness them because living through it all wasn’t enough. When Mattie was alive, I could push it down inside me because I had things to do, I had to look after her.
And now …
I still have things to do.”

In the beginning the podcast is well behind Sadie as she searches for her sister’s killer. I both longed for and feared the podcast catching up to her in its timeline. This book tackles so many painful topics but for the most part I didn’t feel weighed down; instead I was bouyed by Sadie’s sarcasm, along with her perseverance and resilience. I will definitely remember “Becki with an i” and hold a place in my heart for Javi with the silent J, Cat, Nell, May Beth and even Claire.

“I wish his darkness lived outside of him, because you have to know it’s there to see it. Like all real monsters, he hides in plain sight.”

One of my favourite bookish things happened in this book; another much loved book was referenced in this one. I may have gotten a teensy bit excited when a character was seen reading The Baby-Sitters Club and I’m not ashamed to tell you that I knew the exact one they were reading from the description of the cover image alone.

I did start to think I may have fallen into some plot holes but every one was filled in along the way. All of my questions were answered; all except for the most important one, but I was strangely satisfied with the ‘fill in the blanks yourself’ component. In the hands of a less capable writer I would have been really frustrated by this but with Sadie it only feels right that my heart should be conflicting with my mind.