Chin up, Britain! Now is the time to return to basic commonsense and embrace a new austerity. Can't afford a holiday? Slather on some sun tan lotion that smells of coconuts, at least you'll smell like you're on holiday. Don't know what to do with a left-over half a banana? Discard it surreptitiously on the floor of a government-owned building, 'accidentally' slip on it and claim thousands of pounds of compensation. Can't afford new shoes? Polish your old ones. And if all else fails, why not sell your children on ebay?

In her inimitable style, Jenny Éclair brings you helpful and hilarious tips for changing the way you live, including beauty on a budget, identifying your swappable skills (burying dead animals, tuning a freeview box), improving manners on public transport, the fine art of 'out-presenting' and a guide to gate-crashing.